Girl: I have to tell you something...
Boy: What?
Girl: I really like you. And I... I think I'm falling in love with you.
Boy: Ok...
Girl: What do you mean "ok"?
Boy: I don't like you like that...
Girl: Why not?
Boy: I can't tell you... maybe another time...
From then on, the girl kept asking the boy "Why not?" whenever she saw him, and he kept answering the same answer of "I'll tell you later." Finally the girl got fed up.
Girl: I'm tired of this! Tell me why you don't like me!
Boy: Do you really wanna know why?
Girl: Yes!
Boy: It's because you're ugly! What's the point of going out with someone when they're not pretty?!
Girl: But... I...
Boy: Just shut up and leave me alone!
The boy leaves and the girl is sitting there alone, crying her heart out.
Then her cell phone rings.
Girl: Hello?
Mom: Sweetheart? I want you to go home, ok? I'll be home from work in a few hours.
Girl: Alright Mom.
Mom: I love you.
Girl: I love you too, Mom.
Mom: Bye Bye.
Girl: Bye
The girl heads home and once she got there, she went in the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.
Girl: I'm not pretty enough...
She set to work, knowing fully well what she was going to do. 2 hours later, her Mom came home and heard the bath water running. She went upstairs to find the hallway flooded so she knocked on the door.
Mom: Honey? Are you alright?
She opened the door and was shocked at the site. The bath was overflowing onto the floor, and the water was tinted red.
She walked over to see what was inside and screamed. There, her little girl was lying with cuts all over her face and wrists. Her Mom backed away and was going to run to call the police when something caught her eye. On the mirror, am I pretty enough now?
No one deserves to be told that by someone they love. If you find it messed up then forward this to everyone you know.
A person's appearance doesn't count. What counts is their heart inside of them and their personality. No one wants to be told they're not good enough...
Husband:rat ko mene 1 horror movie ki CD dekhi, 1 chudeil kabhi mere age
kabhi piche aur kabhi sath chal rahi thi,
Wife:Kaun si CD thi?
Husband: Apni shadi ki
How women call their husband in first 6 years
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O jee.
Yr 3. Sunte ho?
Yr 4. O bunty k pappa
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho ya main aaon?
Why did u shoot ur wife ? This is the best......
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life...!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
wife hit her husband with frying pan
Husband: What was that for...?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.
Woh kaun thi
Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne
Hello Kiya,
Wife- Koun Thi Wo?
Hus-Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi
Newton in romantic mood.........
Universal law:
" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "
first law:
" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "
second law:
" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
third law:
" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while slapping
Usne kaha tum mein pehli si baat nahi
maine kaha zindagi mei tera sath nahi
usne kahaa ab bhi kisi ki ankhon main doob jate ho?
maine kahaa ab kisi ki ankh main woh gehraii nahi
us ne kahaa kyun itna toot kar cahaha mujhe?
maine kahaa insaan hoon patthar tou nahi
us ne kahaa kya main bewafa hoon?
maine kahaa mujhe ab wafa ki talaash hi nahi
us ne kahaa bhool jaoge mujh ko?
maine kahaa tum haqiqat ho, koi khwaab nahi...
"khushbu ki tarah aap ke paas beekhar jayenge,
sukun ban kar dil me utar jayenge,
mehsus karne ki koshish to kijiye..,
door hote huye bhi paas nazaar aayenge..!'
Apni Biwi ko apni 100% kamai dene se 10% Sukh milta hai.
Kisi doosri ko apni kamai ka 10% dene pe 100% sukh milta hai
... Paisa apka ... Faisla apka ...
1. when in college :
Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din.....
2. when giving interview to Multi National Company:
Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....
3. waiting for interview result:
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki ...
4. just joined:
Too cheez badi hai mast mast.....
5. after some time:
Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??
6. After some more time:
Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo)
7. floating the resume:
kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja... pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi...
8. finally when you don't get a better offer any longer:
Jeena Yehaan, marna Yehaan
iske siwa jaana Kahaa...!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
Rone de aaj humko 
doo aansooo bahane de
Baaho mein mujhe le le
or khud ko tu bheeg jaane de
hai iss dil mein itna dard ............ ....ki tera daman ...bhi
bheeg jayega
Monday se intzaar me hoon KI SUNDAY kab aayega.
wah wah wah wah.....
TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
1. Tu to Mera bhai hai...bhai !!!
2. You know I am not drunk...
3. Ab gaadi main Chalaunga...
5. Tu bura mat maan bhai...
6. Main teri Dil Se Izzat Karta hun...
7. Abey bol daal aaj usko, aar ya paar....
8. Aaj chad nahi rahi hai kya baat hai??
9. Tu Kya samajh raha hai mujhe chad gayi hai...
10. Ye mat samajh ki peeke bol raha hun...
11. Abe yaar kahin kam to nahi pad jayegi itnee...
12. Ek Ek Chhota aur ho Jae....lovely waala !!!
13. Baap ko mat Sikhao…
14. Yaar magar tune mera dil tod diya...
15. Kuchh bhi hai par saala Bhai hai Apna...
16. Tu Bolna Bhai, kya chahiye...Jaan chahiye? hazir hai...
17.. Abe mere ko aaj tak nahi Chadee...shart laga le aaj tu..
18. Chal teri baat karata hoon us se, phone number de uska...
19. Saale teri bhabhi hai wo…bhabhi ki nazar se dekh usko…
20. Yaar tu samjha kar.. wo tere layak nahi hai…
21. chal bhai tu keh raha hai to tere liye chhod diya usko.. aaj se wo teri…bana issi baat par ek – ek aur peg !!!
22. Tujhe kya lagta hai chadh gayi hai... abhi ek full aur khatam kar sakta hun…
and the best one...
23. Yaar aaj uski bahut yaad aa rahi hai.......
And Finally....
Saala... aaj se daru band...............!!!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Teacher: "Why were you late?"
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
A sinking ship's Captain: "Does anyone know how to pray?"
A priest says he can pray.
Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."
Two men Lory and Dwart are chatting as they work.
Lory says: "I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week."
Dwart: "Ooh!"
Lory: "For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?"
Dwart: "No."
Lory: "He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this."
The next day, the same discussion took place.
Dwart: "Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?"
Lory: "No."
Dwart: "He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers'! If you take night courses, you would know this."
The next day, once again:
Lory: "And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?"
Dwart: "No"
Lory: "He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this."
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?"
Dwart: "No"
Lory: "He's the guy roaming with your wife! If you stop night courses, you would know!"
Santa : Yaar Banta ! Tujhe Pata Hai, Kal Raat Mere Saath Kya Hua ? Kal Jab Raat Ko Main Akela Sunsaan Raste Se Ghar Ja Raha Tha, To Do Aadmiyo Ne Chaaku Dikha Ke Mujhe Loot Liya. Pehle To Unhone Mujhe Daraaya, Phir Dhamkaaya Aur Mera Purse, Meri Chain, Meri Ghadi Sab Lekar Champat Ho Gaye.
Banta : Ye To Bahot Bura Hua !!! Lekin Tum Apne Saath Hamesha Pistol Bhi To Rakhte Ho Na ??
Santa : Haan, Ussey Main Apne Pair Ke Socks Mein Chhupa Ke Rakhta Hu. Shukra Hai Bhagwaan Ka, Un Logo Ki Nazar Meri Pistol Par Nahi Padi.
1 गधे ने सरदार को लात मारी और भाग गया ...
सरदार उसके पीछे भागा ......गधा तो मिला नहीं लेकिन जेब्रा मिल गया....
सरदार उसे जोर - जोर से मारने लगा
" साले नाईट ड्रेस पहन के उल्लू बनाता है ..."
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.
They go with a White House office to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
Balwinder Singh kisses some girl on the road.
Girl shouts out... "What are you doing??"
Balwinder Singh replies... "B.Com from Khalsa College- Chandigarh.
Mr. Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.
Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U Yar?. I can't compete with a world champion'
Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'
Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'
Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.
Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed.....
Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector."Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector."Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...",BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your license and registration?
Driver: I don't have them. It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license and registration?
Driver: Sure. Here they are.
b Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Interviewer:How does an electric motor run?
Sardar:Dhurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
Interviewer shouts!: Stop it!
Sardar: dhup dup dup dup
dup dup....
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your sister.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part limeJ
WIFE - EK BAAT BOLOON ? MARNAA MAT !.
HUSBAND (AKHBAAR PADHTE PADHTE) - HAAN DEAR, BOLO BOLO.
WIFE - MAIN NA.....MAIN NA.. PREGNANT HUN...
HUSBAND - REALLY...ARRE GOOD, YEH TOH GOOD NEWS HAI. DAR KYON RAHI
THI HEYN...?
WIFE - COLLEGE KE DINON MEIN EK BAAR PAPPA KO BATAYA THA, BADI MAAR
PADI THI. AB TAK YAAD HAI.!!!!!
EXCLUSIVELY FOR ENGINEERS
Question: We know that 2/10=0.2
but
Prove that 2/10=2
Answer:
Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".
But Engineering Students replied :-
2=two,
10=ten.
Therefore
Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.
Putting numbers for alphabets according to there position
w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.
therefore
w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19
Therefore
wo/en=38/19=2.
Hence Proved...!!
FOR, Engineers “ It doesn’t matter “answer kya hai”,
they say “answer kya laana hai…!”
THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE!
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on
which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse
and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and
continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?".
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That' s it. We are happy ever after ";-)
"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.
What is confidence????
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: If it is the same software thats developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off!!!! ."
Error! Filename not specified.
That is called Confidence!!!
The diagram demonstrates the process in a female and male brain during the simple question: "Shall we go for a drink?" ;-))
Jyotishi ladke Ka Haath Dekhkar
bola:
Beta Tum Bahut Padhoge.
Ladka: Saale, Padh To Main 3 saal
Se Raha Hu, Yeh Bata Paas Kab
Hounga
Don't copy if you can't paste!
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said, 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife!'
The audience was in silence and shock. He added, '... and that woman was my
mother!' Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home.
He said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who was not my wife!'
His wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the
sentence,
the manager finally blurted out '... and I can't remember who she was!'
*Moral of the story: *
*Don't copy if you can't paste!*
A white man was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "Since you are black, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.
"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss Politics ..... When you clearly don't understand shit!!!"
Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
Son: "Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?"
Dad: "No, son, it wouldn't be right."
Son: "Well, you could try."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then" he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What do dolphins and men have in common?
They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.
Teacher: "If 1+ 1 = 2 and 2+ 2 = 4, what is 4+ 4?"
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
शाम ढल चुकी मगर...
शाम ढल चुकी मगर, रात अभी बाकी है,
दील तो टूट गया, मगर, जज्बात अभी बाकी है|
वो आयेंगे हमारे दर पे, ये यकीन है मुझको,
अरमाँ तो मर गए, मगर, आश अभी बाकी है||
Dil to unke seene mein bhi machalta hoga..
husn bhi so-so rang badalta hoga..
Uthti hongi jab nagahein unki..
Khud "khuda" bhi gir-gir ke sambhalta hoga.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'But till now i didint get"
Is dil ka ek arman hai
ek chand me hmari jaan hai.
Jise door se dekhna to mumkin hai
Par milna kahan aasan hai.
Kyon ki hum to ek zameen hain arr wo ek aasman hai
Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.
Hathi aur chenti ka prem vivah hua,
Dusre din hathi mar gaya,
Cheenti boli "wah re mohabbat"
Ek din ka pyar mila,
Aur sari umar kabar khodne ka kaam mila
Sardar by mistake goes into ladies toilet, all ladies suddenly stand up!
Sardar: izzat dil mai ho bus yahi kafi hota hai, Betho Betho
Husband asked his newly married wife, she had any boyfriend before marriage?
Wife: silent
He said, main is khamoshi ko kiya samjhon?
Wife replied: Kamine! Ginay to do
Girl to Santa - Will you marry me ?
Santa - No, hamare yaha shadi relatives mein hoti hai, mummy ne papa se shadi ki, bhaiya ne bhabhi se aur bahen ne jijaji se.......
♫ Ye raat itni tanha kyon hoti hai,
Kismat se apani sabko shikaayat kyon hoti hai,
Ye kismat bhi ajeeb khel khelti hai,
Jise ham pa nahi sakate usi se mohabbat kyon hoti hai
Raat bhar sms kiya
toh raat kat gayi...(wah wah)
Raat bhar sms kiya
toh raat kat gayi...
Subah uthke balance dekha
toh waat lag gayi
I was recently riding with a friend of mine.
We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"
He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like
you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said,
"I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright
and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park -
the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go one very
ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later,
her head
reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and
sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her
husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!
Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their
wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so under my thumb that
the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said,
'Come out and fight like a man!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a
beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have
that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and
grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop
window. "What I would give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the
window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do
anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"
Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants."
"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized."
In a sinking ship :
captain: what should we do??
the water level has risen above the danger mark .....
sardar: raise the danger mark level up by few feet.......
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple
and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. “The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by
the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Nah,” the old man replied. “My wife’s father died and left us two million
dollars.”
One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Six
minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a
glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''
A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get
me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up
there and spank you.''
A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to
spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
HUSBANDS FOR SALE !
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
कुछ साश्वत सत्य वचन पेश हैं:
१) अगर किसी लडके ने किसी लड़की से "हाय/हैलो" कहा है तो वो इसे केवल "हाय/हैलो" ही समझती है' इसके उल्टे अगर किसी लड़की ने किसी लडके को "हैलो" कहा तो लड़का इसको केवल "हैलो" नहीं समझेगा |
२) अगर लड़का "हैलो" को केवल "हैलो" समझना भी चाहेगा तो उसके दोस्त ऐसा नहीं होने देंगे, आख़िर दोस्त होते ही किस दिन के लिए हैं :-)
३) लड़के जिनकी गर्ल फ्रेंड होती है और जिनकी नहीं होती है, में केवल एक फर्क होता है, पहले वाले लोग "लड़कियों से बात करते हैं" और दूसरे वाले "लड़कियों के बारे में बात करते हैं" |
४) इंजीनियरिंग कालेज छोड़ दिए जाएँ तो संसार में सुन्दर लड़कियों की कोई कमी नहीं है |
५) जो इंजीनियरिंग कालेज जितना अच्छा होगा वहाँ लड़कियों कि गुणवत्ता कालेज की रैंक के व्युत्क्रमानुपाती होगी |
६) आपके मित्र कभी नहीं चाहते कि आपकी कोई गर्ल फ्रेंड बने, वरना वो कैंटीन में किसके साथ बैठ कर मौज करेंगे |
७) कालेज में लड़कियों के पीछे पंजीकरण बिल्कुल मुफ्त होता है, बन्दा साल में दो बार लड़की से बात नहीं करेगा लेकिन कैंटीन में हमेशा "मेरी वाली"/"तेरी वाली" संबोधन से ही बात होगी
A notice in a factory for girl workers.
If your skirt is long, protect yourself from machines at work..
If it is short, protect yourself from men at workâ
Ek bus mein ladko aur ladkiyo ki team bani antakshari khelne ke liye.
Girls: Hum tumko harakar dikhayenge..
Boys: Hum haar gaye, chalo ab dikhao.
Kid to english teacher - me sleep with daddy last night.
Teacher corrected: I slept with daddy last night.
Kid : Phir aap mere sone ke baad aayi hongi...
Teacher: Raju if Shekesphere was alive today will he be popular??
Raju: Yes teacher.
Teacher: How could u say that??
Raju: Because he would hav been more than 400 years old...
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Sardar at an art gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what
u call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg u'r pardon sir, that's a mirror
teacher: aapko shahrukh khan ki film rab ne mbana de jori film se kya sikh mili?
student:umeed mat haro..........shaddi k baad bhi ladki pat sakti hain........
Wife: Wo samay jo admi drink ker raha hai,
usko main nay 10 saal pehlay shadi k
liye inkaar kia tha.
Aaj tak sharab pee raha hay!
Husband: Wow! itni lambi celebration!
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes
tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy,"I have
been illiterate for so long."
Santa:What is ur opinion about women?
Banta:They are all sex objects....
Santa:How come?
Banta:Whenever I want to have sex with them,they object.......
Santa and Banta Singh were bitter enemies.
Santa lived on the 1st and
Banta on the 7th floor of the same building.
One day the lift was out of order
and Banta Singh decided to play a trick
on Santa and called him for dinner to his house at 7:30 pm.
So Santa huffing and puffing manages to reach the 7th floor.
To his dismay he finds a big lock on the door and a message -
'HA HA ULLU BANA DIA!'
Santa is angry but thinks a lot
and finally writes his reply below Banta's message
- 'MAIN TO YAHAN AAYA HI NAHIN THA!!'
Personal Manager to New job applicant:
"Why did your manager fire you?"
"Well a manager is the man
who stands arround and watches others work, right?"
the young appicant replied.
"Yes, but why did he fire you?"
"He was jelous of me.
A lot of workers thought i was the manager!!
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer
space.
The ground control issues commands
"Rubi!"
"Woof!"
"Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!"
"Woof!"
"Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!"
"Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
HEIGHT OF REVENGE
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we
had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the
same
every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs
his
sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He
tries
to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he
gets up
and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going
for the
blood shed still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts
singing
a lullaby and says
"so ja machchar, bete so ja
(Goto sleep, O dear mosquito, goto sleep)". After some time he
finds he mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes
near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a
Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on
the
Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll
go
get
a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for
several
hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the
Sardarji
is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him
to
buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a
ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.
This
time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
Clinton had heard a lot about Lalu Prasad Yadav & Bihar, so he wanted
to
meet Lalu Prasad Yadav. Lalu Prasad Yadav was a bit hesitant as did
not
know how to communicate in English. Bill Clinton communicated that
Lalu
Prasad Yadav should come to U.S.A. with no hesitation, he himself
would
teach him English.
So Lalu Prasad Yadav reached U.S.A. & was given a red carpet welcome &
was taken to the White House straight away. Bill Clinton said that he
alone would teach Lalu Prasad Yadav in a large conference room. Bill
Clinton only would open the door when the lessons are over. So it
started. 1 hr.
passed, 2,3,4,5.....hrs. passed; a day passed;
two days passed,
3,4,5,6.....; weeks passed. What a sensation all
over America; all
decisions were
pending; economy came to a standstill. Same
here in India,
specially in Bihar. On the 40th day of thier
lessons,
Clinton opened the door & what a sight to
see; all his clothes were
torn, his face scratched, his otherwise very
nicely done hair totally
raised.
People were surprised to see him.
Lalu followed him with his ever glowing face.
Then Clinton's
Secretary came forward & asked Clinton-
"Could you teach English to Lalu?
Guess what Clinton said:----
Clinton replied,"Eee Lalua Sasura Hamri Ekahu Nahi Sunat Hai."
Hum unki chhah main tadapkar rote hai,
aansoo hamare dikaye nahi dete hai,
unki yaadonmain ratbhar jagate hai,
aur dinka chain bhi khote hai,
fir bhi wo aisa kyon samazati hai ki,
sare mard ek jaise hote hai,
Andhe ke hath me "TORCH",
Bahare ke hath me "RADIO",
Gunge ke hath me "MIKE",
AUR AAP KE HATH ME "MOBILE"
WAH WAH Kya Jamana Aaya hai!!!
Mere Marne ke baad aey dost aansoo mat bahana...
agar yaad aaye meri to seedhe upar chale aana...
Agar waha me na dikhu to samajh lena tu narak me hai...
Kitna bebas hai insaan apni kismat ke aage,
Kitna benoor hai sapna haqueequat ke aage,
Koi ruki hui dhadkan se pooche ,
Kitna tadapta hai dil mohhabbat ke aage.
Amiri ke khwab Dekhne laga,
Angreji Sharab Chakhane laga,
Baap ne kabhi Pager nahi dekha,
aur beta Mobile rakhne laga!!!
Dil k dard ko zuba par laate nahi,
hum apni aankhon se ansu bahate nahi,
Zakhm chahe kitne hi gahre kyo na ho,
hum DETTOL k siva kuch laagate nahi.
Main uski yaad mein ban gaya baraf ka gola
Main uski yaad mein ban gaya baraf ka gola
aur vo boli ki Thanda matlab Coca Cola
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Mom's advice to her son .....
1960's Mom to her son- beta, apne caste ki ladki
se hi shaadi karna
1970's...... .... Apne religion ki
1980's ......... Apne level ki
1990's ......... Apne desh ki
2000 ......... Apni umar ki
.
.
.
.
2009 ......... Koi bhi ho,
par Ladki se hi karna....... . !!!
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115" she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Teri sabhi baatein baar baar yaad karna acha lagta hai..
Tumhein khud mein mehsoos karna acha lagta hai..
Dua hai bas yahi ke Khuda aapko humse juda na kare..
Kyunke tera saanso ke nazdeek rehna acha lagta hai
Teri sabhi baatein baar baar yaad karna acha lagta hai..
Tumhein khud mein mehsoos karna acha lagta hai..
Dua hai bas yahi ke Khuda aapko humse juda na kare..
Kyunke tera saanso ke nazdeek rehna acha lagta hai
Umra ki raah me raaste badal jaate hai,
Waqt ki aandhi mein insaan badal jaate hai,
Sochate hai tumhe itna yaad na karen,
Magar aankh band karte hi iraade badal jate hai.
Budda-''putar andrse mere daant le aa''. Putar-'par dadaji abhi roti to bani nahi'
Budda-'o nai putar roti ni khani,samne wali budi nu smile deni hai.
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!
In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
Nigaho me or koi dosti ke kabil na raha,
Is kinare ka or koi sahil na raha.
Chand jaisa dost mila hume zamin par,
Aasma ka chand bhi ab deedar k kabil nahi raha.
Wo mere liye kuch khaas hai yaaro'
Jinke laut aane ki na koi aas hai Yaaro'
Wo najro se door hai to kya huwa..
Banke dil ki dhadkn mere paas to hai yaaro'
Kash Ye Dil Shishe ka bana hota,
Chot Lagti to Beshak ye Fanah hota. .
Par Sunte Jab Wo Aawaz iske Tutne ki,
Tab Unhe b Apne Gunah ka Ehsaas hota...
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pproooooooot!" from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
Gabbar: Kitne admi they?
Sambha: Sardar 2
Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Samba: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai
Gabbar: Aur 2 ke pehle?
Samba: 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.
Gabbar: To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Samba: Beech mein koi nahi aata>
Gabbar:: To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Samba: 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.
Gabar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samba: 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.
Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samnba: Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do
Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate hue): Nahin sir.
Boss: Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
Husband: Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Bada Faayda Hua Hai.
Wife: Woh Kya?
Husband: Mujhe Mere Gunaaho ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gayi!
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postman: Yeh post office hai, police station nahi.
Man: Kya karu? Kahan jau? Khushi k maare kuchh samajh me nahi aa raha.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating. ..then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A young boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between theorectically and realistically?"
"Well son, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for $1million ..."
The little boy asks his mum and then goes back to his dad: "She said yes ..."
"Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for $2million ..."
The little boy asks his sister: "She said yes, but whats the difference between theoretically and realistically?"
"Well son, theorectically we are sitting on $3million ... realistically we are living with a couple of slags!"
Aik student jo Hostel mein rehta tha,
Raat ko 3 baje uth ke namaz parhne ke baad Dua mangne laga,
"Mola sab so rahe hein aur mein teri ibadat kar raha hoon".
To brabar wale bed se us ke room mate ne awaz lagayi,
"Kameeny tu apni Dua maang, hamari shikayat kiu kar raha
Child: Mom is bar hum sare patakhe es shop se lenge.
Mom: lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai.
Child: Papa to kehte hain k sari phul-jhadiyan yahi rehti hai.
Positive-thinking poem:
Little bird in d sky Dropping shit into ur eye.
U don't worry u don't cry U just thank
God that cows do not fly....
Munna Bhai : are circuit apun ko ek nurse se pyar ho gela hai letter me kya likhu ?
Circuit : simple bhai likhne ka ---------
DeAr sIsTeR I LOVE U!
Tumhara munna bhai
Shadi karni thi Par kismat khuli nahi
Taj banana tha Par mumtaj mili nahi
Ek din kismat khuli Aur sadi ho gaye
Ab Taj banana hai Par ab ye mumtaj marti nahi
Wife : Kal rat tum nind me muje galiya de rahe the
Husband : Tumhe galat-fehmi hui he
Wife : Kaisi galat-fehmi?
Husband : Yehi ki me nind me tha
भिखारी (शर्मा जी से- साहब 6 रुपये दे दो कॉफी पीनी है।
शर्मा जी (भिखारी से)- कॉफी तो 3 रुपये की मिलती है फिर 6 क्यों?
भिखारी- साहब प्रेमिका भी साथ है...
शर्मा जी- भिखारी होकर प्रेमिका भी बना ली???
भिखारी- साहब मैंने प्रेमिका नही बनाई, प्रेमिका ने मुझे भिखारी बना दिया!!!!!
एक आदमी किसी पार्टी में 8 बटर नान खा लेता है।
उसे कब्ज की शिकायत हो गई।
अगले दिन वह टॉयलेट में बैठा हुआ था।
वह प्रार्थना करता है : हे भगवान या तो जान निकाल दे या नान।
एक दिन राजू के पापा एक रोबोट ले कर आये.
वह रोबोट झूठ पकड़ सकता था और झूठ बोलने वाले को गाल पर खीँच कर चांटा मार देता था.
आज राजू स्कूल से घर देर से आया था... पापा ने पूछा "घर लौटने में देर क्यो हो गयी?"
"आज हमारी एक्स्ट्रा क्लासेस थी" राजू ने जवाब दिया...
रोबोट अचानक अपनी जगह से उछला और जमकर राजू के गाल पर चांटा मार दिया.
पापा हंसकर बोले, "ये रोबोट हर झूठ को पकड़ सकता है और झूठ बोलने वाले को चांटा भी मारता है. अब सच क्या है यह बताओ... कहाँ गए थे?"
"में फिल्म देखने गया था" राजू बोला
"कौन सी फिल्म?" पापा ने कड़ककर पूछा
"हनुमान"
चटाक... अभी राजू की बात पूरी भी नहीं हुई थी की उसके गाल पर रोबोट ने एक जोर का चांटा मारा.
"कौन सी फिल्म?" पापा ने फिर पूछा
"कातिल जवानी."
पापा ग़ुस्से में बोले "शर्म आनी चाहिए तुम्हे. जब में तुम्हारे जितना था तब ऐसी हरकत नहीं किया करता था."
चटाक... रोबोट ने एक चांटा मारा... इस बार पापा के गाल पर.
यह सुनते ही मम्मी किचन में से आते हुए बोली "आख़िर तुम्हारा बेटा है ना... झूठ तो बोलेगा ही"अब मम्मी की बारी थी... चटाक...
इस जंतु का नाम है "GirlFriend" . . . . . .
ये अक्सर "Boyfriend" के साथ पाई जाती है !
इनका पोस्टिक आहार "Boyfriend" का भेजा होता है !
इनको अक्सर नाराज होने का नाटक करते हुए देखा जा सकता है ! पर अगर पैसे खर्च किये जाये तो फीर नाटक ख़त्म हो जाता है...
इस प्राणी का सबसे खतरनाक हथियार रोना और इमोशनली ब्लैक मेल करना होता है !
गर्ल फ्रेंड से ब्रेक अप पर टेंशन नाम की बीमारी हो जाती है, जिसका कोई इलाज नहीं.. ये ही एक ऐसा प्राणी है जिसपे कोई विस्वास नहीं करता है...
गर्ल फ्रेंड के लिए बॉय फ्रेंड कुछ भी कर सकता है, यहाँ तक की हस्ते हस्ते कुत्ता भी बनता है... इस प्राणी में बहुत सारे अवगुण फीर भी ये प्राणी इतनी आसानी से नहीं मिलता है, ये प्राणी भाव बहुत खाता है, पर इस प्राणी के पास होता कुछ भी नहीं है जो वास्तविक हो जिसपे भाव खाया जा सके..... ये प्राणी नर प्राणी को बर्बाद करने में कोई भी कसर नहीं छोरता है... ये प्राणी रुपया को आसानी से सूंघ सकता है......
so be careful dost.......
एक आदमी ने बीवी को खत लिखा - इस महीने तनख्वाह के बदले 100 किस भेज रहा हूं, काम चला लेना।
पत्नी ने जवाब भेजा - आपकी तनख्वाह के बदले 100 किस मिले, हिसाब भेज रही हूं।
दूधवाला- 2 किस में मान गया।
चुन्नू के टीचर को -7 देने पड़े।
सब्जीवाला -7 में नहीं माना, -9 देने पड़े।
किराने वाला केवल किस में नहीं माना तो उसे कुछ और भी देना पड़ा।
मकान मालिक तो रोज 2-4 ले जाता है।
आप चिंता मत करना, मेरे पास अब भी 35 बचे हुए हैं, महीना कट जाएगा
एक आदमी ने घनघोर तपस्या की और शिवजी को प्रसन्न कर लिया। शिवजी बोले - बेटा, मैं तुझसे बहुत खुश हूं। कोई वरदान मांग ।
भक्त बोला - प्रभु, मुझे एक गिटार दे दो।
गिटार ! कैसा गधा है। शिवजी ने सोचा । कोई गिटार के लिए भी तपस्या करता है।
बोले - बेटा, तूने बड़ी तपस्या की है। कुछ बड़ा मांग। चिन्ता मत कर, सब कुछ मिलेगा।
भक्त बोला - नहीं प्रभु, मुझे तो सिर्फ एक गिटार चाहिए बस !
शिवजी समझाने लगे - बेटा, कुछ ढंग का मांग। मेरी रेपुटेशन का तो खयाल कर। गिटार भी कोई मांगने की चीज है भला।
परंतु भक्त भी जिद पर अड़ा हुआ था, बोला - नहीं प्रभु, अगर देना है तो बस गिटार ही दो !
अब शिवजी को गुस्सा आ गया, बोले - गिटार ! गिटार ! गिटार ! अबे अगर गिटार मेरे पास होता तो मैं ये डमरू क्यों बजाता फिरता
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
E KHUDA TU ISHQ NA KARANA,
VARANA PACHATAYEGA,
HUM TO MAR KAR TERE PASS AATE HAI,
TU KAHAN JAYEGA.
SADAK KE IS PAR MERA GHAR,
SADAK KE US PAR TERA GHAR,
AA JA SADAK KE BICHO-BICH PYAR KARE,
NA TERE BAAP KA DAR
NA MERE BAAP KA DAR
1 ladke ki shadi nahi ho rahi thi,
Wo mannat mangne gaya.
Wahan uski Maa khai me ghir gayi,
Wo bola - "Ya Khuda teri Khudai Apni to mili nahi Bapu ki bhi gawayi".
BHAKT - Bhagwan mujhe wardan do ki mai marne ke bad phir zinda ho sakun.
BANGWAN- Ye mere bas ki bat nahi hai putra, ye sirf Ekta Kapoor kar sakti hai.
Laloo goes 2 a shop n asks: "Ye Bandarva
ka Photu kitne ka hai re..?"
Shopkeeper: "wo phutva nahi saheb" Wo
to Seesa hai...!
Santa: darling aaj barsat ka din hai,
koi aisi romantic baat kaho ki mere pair jamin pe na rahe,
wife: darling fansi laga lo.
Laloo bada chalak hai
Nau baccho ka bap hai
Laloo bada nirala he
Dasva ane wala he..
Ye andar ki baat hai
Isme Vajpayee ka hat hai..
Santa-Yaar koi aisa kaam bata jis me jyada profit ho?
Banta:Aisa kar sardiyon me sasti Baraf leker garmiyon me
bech dal.
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!
Nurse: Congrats Santa ji, aap papa ban gaye.
Santa: Meri wife ko nahi bolna mein use surprise dunga!
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from below to
up !!!!
A parrot shits on a sardar
Sardar shouts angrily: CHADI nai pehenta kiya"
Da parrot shouts back:" Tu chaddi main karta hai kiya"
Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke.
He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same."