• Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
• Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
• Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
• Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
• Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
• Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
• Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
• Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby and even with his natural features also.
• Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby
• HR Manager is a person who thinks that...a Donkey can deliver a Human baby if given 9 months.
You will laugh your heads out after you finish reading this! (Nice One
from
Reader's Digest)*
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from
work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told
him
that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by
a
small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by
the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew
it, I
had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
arrival,
my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling
I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me
to my
chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to
remove
my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans
I
had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most
unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only
loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front
of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then,
shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse
than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation
in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The
pleasure
was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled
the
end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my
napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of
innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had
not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge ?
Teacher: nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?.....
Teacher: IDIOT mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge?
Student- bahu laaunga
Teacher: stupid tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hai?
Student: pota
Hoti nahin dosti surat se,
Dosti to dil se hoti hai.
Surat unki khud hi pyari lagti hai,
Kadar jinki dil mein hoti hai.
Naahi zaroorat hai chand sitaron ki,
Naahi zaroorat hai aur yaaron ki.
Bas ek dost aap jaisa chaahiye,
Jo akele hi watt lagade hazaron ki.
Aisa dost chahiye jo apna maan sake,
Hamare har gham ko jaan sake.
Chal rahein ho hum tez baarish mein,
Phir bhi pani mein se aansoo ko pehchaan sake.
Bichadne wale ko yaad kya doge,
Sote huye ko khwab kya doge.
Hum chahte hain umar bhar dosti ka vaada,
Kaho is sawaal ka kya jawab doge.
Zaroorat hi nahin kisi alfaaz ki,
Dosti to cheez hai bas ehsaas ki.
Paas hote to manzar hi kya hota,
Door se hi khabar hai hamein aapki har saans ki
es liya a dost
pyar sy manaao , aur pyar karo
(no whisky .no rum.no beear...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Deadly metro shayari--
Tum pheno topi, hum pehnenge cap..
wah wah
Tum pehno topi, hum pehnenge cap....
Doors will open on the left, plz mind the gap :P :P :D:D
-----------------------------------------------------------
Apne gamo ko mere dost apne dil me daba lo....
Apne gamo ko mere dost apne dil me daba lo....
Naya godrej powder hair dye....
Bas kato,gholo aur lagalo.....
-----------------------------------------------------------
**** The oscar winning shayari****
Na isko na usko thi mere pyar ki khabar
Na isko na usko thi mere pyar ki khaber
Are shayari me mistake hogayi...
rubber de rubber...:P:D:P:D:D
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tumhari adaao pe main vari vari,
Wah Wah....
Tumhari adaao pe main vari vari,
Wah Wah....
Dial 139 for railway enquiry.....
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do u 'cut' roads?
By laughing....coz
'Haste haste cut jaye raste'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer pine se phele bolte hai cheers
wah wah
Beer pine se phele bolte hai cheers
wah wah
Arey o pushpa
I hate tears :P :P
-----------------------------------------------------------
Arz kiya hai
Button dabane se chalu hua fan
wah
observation to dekhiye
Button dabane se chalu hua fan
I'm popeye, d sailorman
Poo Poo
-----------------------------------------------------------
Bhook meri mar gayi...mujhe lagti nhn pyaas..
The time period of pendulum is independent of its mass :P :D
-----------------------------------------------------------
Na jeene ki tamaana hai na marne ka khauf..(feelings to dekho) Na jeene ki tamaana hai na marne ka khauf...
The no. u are trying is currently switched off....;):P
-----------------------------------------------------------
Women's brains designed to concentrate multiple task at a time .
Women can Watch a TV and Talk over phone and cook the new recipe.
Men - Single Process
Men's brain designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men can
not watch a TV and talk over the phone at the same time. He stops the
TV while Talking. He can either watch TV or talk over the phone or
cook.
LANGUAGE.
Women can easily learn many languages. Her brain sets up. But can not
find the solutions to problems. Men can not easily learn languages; he
can easily solve the problems.
3 year old gal has three times higher vocabulary than 3 year old boy.
ANALYTICAL SKILL
Men's brain has lot of space for handling the analytical process. So
easily he can analyze and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by women, she can not understand it. She
can not understand the details of the map easily.
For her it is dump of lines in a paper.
CAR DRIVING.
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He
can drive a car fastly. If he see an object at long distance,
immediately his brain classifies the object (bus or van or car)
direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as
women take a long time to recognize the object direction/ speed. His
single process mind stops the audio in the car (if any), then
concentrating only on the driving.
You can often watch, while men driving the car fastly, the women sit
next to him will shout, "GO SLOW" , "CARE FULL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.."
..etc..
LIE
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily.
Her super natural brain observes the facial ex-pression 70%, and the
body language 20% and the words coming from the mouth 10%. So he is
easily caught while lieing.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, While lieing to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all
the lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.
PROBLEM.
End of day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies
the problems and puts the problems in individual rooms in the brain
and then finds the solution one by one. You can see many guys looking
at the sky for a long time. If you disturb him, he gets irritated.
End of Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain can not classify
the problems. she wants some one to hear that. After telling
everything to a person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry
about the problem being solved or not.
WANTS
Men want status, success, solutions, big process... etc Women want
relationship, friends, family...etc...
UNHAPPY
If women are unhappy with their relations, they can not concentrate on work.
If men unhappy with their work, they can not concentrate on the relations.
MAP
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain
does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of
crowd, men can leave his seat to T shop and keeps everything in his
mind and comes back to his seat with out problems. He uses his
analytical skills space of brain.
Women can't do this. They often lost their way to their seat.
LIFE
Life is very easy to Men. One good job, one alcohol bottle is enough for them.
Women want everything in life.
SPEECH
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Geeta asked Vijay, "vijay do you like to have a cup of coffee?"
This means, Geeta wants a cup of coffee.
In the morning......."Darling, do you think, it will be good to have
an Omllette for breakfast?".
Men use direct language. "Geeta, I want to have a cup of coffee, Pls
stop the car when you see a coffee shop".
In the morning...."Darling, Can you please prepare an omllette for breakfast?".
HANDLING EMOTION
Women talk a lot without thinking.
Men act a lot with out thinking.
That's why many of prisoners are men all over the world.
| 16 years later | |
| One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well. 16 years later 16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?" "What?" I pissed out a bullet. So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago. Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago. Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?" The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet." "No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!" |
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss
are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
Kumar: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
Kumar: *faints*
---Difference: It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
---Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report
came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said,
"DELIVERED".
---What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is
when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
---Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
--World's Smallest resignation letter? Respected sir, I luv ur wife.
---Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave
---When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone
should have a friend like you....
Why should only i suffer!!!
---Dying husband: I have something to tell you.
Wife: Don't speak, just rest.
Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best
friend.
Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you!
---What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After one year, the dog is still excited to see you. =)
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing....? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
------------ --------- --------- -
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- -
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------ --------- --------- ------------ ----
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------ --------- ---------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_________ _________ __
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- ---------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------ --------- --------- -
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
3 Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!
There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him for
a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
Community Service". Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You"
Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money.The Confectioner is happy and leaves the
shop.The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is
another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay, the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there ?
Scroll down for the answer... . . . . . . .. . . .
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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
9 Promises should be taken before choosing IT Profession
1. I have already enjoyed my life in childhood
2. I love tension
3. I don't want to spend time with my friends
4. I love night outs
5. I love to work on Sundays and Holidays
6. I want to take revenge on myself (Perfect Reason)
7. I don't want to marry before 30
8. I don't want good Salary
9. I want to learn until my death